The Last Fight
by Elly-SVU-Fan
Summary: Olivia Benson has seen and been thought the worst. Now she has it all. Her job. Her child. Happiness. She won't lose these things except in memory, but they will lose her and everything she stood for when she is diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's disease (set in season 16).
1. Chapter 1 The calm before the storm

**Disclaimer: I own nothing **

**The Last Fight.**

**Chapter 1- A fading memory **

Olivia is struggling to remember certain words and events. She is beginning to get lost in places she knows and her past is becoming muddled. A trip to the doctors ends in a shock diagnosis and she begins to lose everything she has fought for. Her job. Noah. Her grip on reality. This, is Olivia Bensons last battle.

Olivia rolled over and groaned. Her head was aching and the dull ache got worse as Noah's cries flooded from the baby monitor, but she smiled. Even when he was crying she smiled, because together they had survived so much. Shaking her head free from the pain she stood up and walked into Noah's room, and his cries stopped when he saw her. Whispering softly to him, she scooped him up into her arms and rocked him gently. She blew a light raspberry behind his ear and his childish giggle rang through the apartment. Hauling him onto her hip, she headed for the kitchen and popped Noah some bread into the toaster. Placing Noah into his highchair she made herself some coffee before switching on the radio. Suddenly music burst from the speakers and filled the kitchen.

_Tumble out of bed_

_And stumble to the kitchen_

_Pour myself a cup of ambition_

_And yawn and stretch and try to come to life_

_Jump in the shower_

_And the blood starts pumpin'_

_Out on the streets, the traffic starts jumpin'_

_For folks like me on the job from 9 to 5_

_Workin' 9 to 5_

_What a way to make a livin'_

_Barely gettin' by_

_It's all takin' and no givin'_

_They just use your mind_

_And they never give you credit_

_It's enough to drive you_

_Crazy if you let it._

Olivia sung along to the words. She loved this song and had since she'd first heard it. She turned to Noah just as his toast popped and he grinned at her.

"Do you know who sings this Noah?" She asked. He giggled at her. "No? Do you give up? It was... It was... Er. God who was it?"

Olivia frowned, the words were right in front of her and yet she just couldn't seem to catch them. She knew who it was. She could even picture her. It was a little odd. She pulled out her phone and typed out the lyrics before searching it.

"Dolly Parton! Of course it was." she grinned. earning one bigger back from Noah...

**3 Weeks later**

Olivia ran around her apartment in a rush. She had forgotten to set her alarm. She had never once before forgotten to set it, but this time she had. Noah was still in his pyjamas and she would have to ask Lucy to dress him. She rushed about pulling on her jacket, and grabbing her phone, when suddenly the door buzzed. Thinking lucy was early she was shocked when she looked at the clock to see it was nearly nine. Shit.

When the knock at the door came two minutes later, Olivia ran to get it.

"Hey. Hey er. Come in erm." She breathed, embarrassed the she had forgotten the name of the babysitter that she had had for almost a year, especially when she had only just thought of her.

"I'm Lucy nice to meet you." The girl in the doorway grinned, winding Olivia up.

"Sorry Lucy. I'm just tired" Liv laughed. "Anyway, I overslept this morning. Noah's not dressed yet but he's had his breakfast. I'll see you later."

She turned to exit but was stopped by a cough from Lucy. She looked to see Lucy dangling her keys in the air along with a face that said _'forgetting something?'._ Olivia just laughed and grabbed the keys from Lucy. She had been getting so forgetful lately.

20 minutes later she rocked up at the one six. Walking in, Fin looked up at her before mimicking her sarcastic response to anyone who normally came in late.

"Nice of you to join us." he mocked.

Olivia just laughed before Nick stood up.

"We got a rape vic at mercy. Claims it was her teacher. She's fifteen he's almost fifty. You wanna come along?" His question was directed at his sarge.

She nodded. "Give me a minute and I'll be with you. Where did you say she was?"

"Mercy" he replied.

"Right. Yeah." She frowned back.

Together Olivia and Nick headed over to mercy. Liv's mind was elsewhere but she could tell something was bothering Nick. She wondered over whether to leave it, but she knew it was getting at him?"

"Hey Nick, is everything alright?"

"It's just Maria." He sighed.

Olivia frowned "Who's Maria?"

"My ex wife. Mother of my child. Also the women who promised I could go down and see Zara this weekend but then changed her mind." Nick cursed.

Olivia was about to reply when Nick looked at her. "Did you forget who Maria was?" He blinked unbelievingly.

Olivia just shrugged. She'd been forgetting a lot of things recently but up until now nobody had noticed. She sighed.

"I'm just tired." She whispered

Nick looked knowingly at her.

"If you think it's more than that you should get it checked out." He stated "You gonna book a doctors appointment?"

**Is this something worth continuing? Please leave a review with any ideas you might have or just to shout at me if you want :)**


	2. Chapter 2 Trouble ahead

**Disclaimer: I own nothing **

**Chapter two. Trouble ahead**

Olivia walked down the cold city streets as the wind whipped her hair softly up and around her face. It was a bittersweet moment as Noah extended his small arm up to meet hers. They walked slowly and Noah giggled a sweet innocent laugh. Despite all this Olivia couldn't shake the ache of worry that had freshly planted itself in the back of her mind. As she looked down at this sweet, beautiful child she wondered to herself if she would be there to see him grow up and this felling made her want to cry.

For a few weeks Olivia had put her memory loss down to stress or lack of sleep and at first nobody had really noticed, but in truth Olivia had never felt better and as others started to suspect something she had realised she needed to take action. Little mistakes had turned in to big ones and she knew that her next error could have disastrous consequences for a victim. So with this knowledge she had booked a doctors appointment. Nobody knew about her worries. She was too scared to admit that anything was wrong. Her biggest fears were for the future of her baby boy and that is why she was taking him with her today. That and the fact that Lucy had called in sick.

The small family walked along in the cool air of the ending fall. Leaves were scattered at their feet and New York looked almost picturesque. As the walked along Noah would kick his little boots into the leaves that had fallen and as the colours swirled around him Olivia would gasp and smile at him. She was almost sad that there walk was over as she reached the small but neat looking doctors surgery.

Olivia pushed open the door and sat down, bouncing Noah on her lap gently. She was nervous as she rarely visited her doctor and the last time she had seen the man was to checkup on her injuries after Lewis had attacked her. That was almost 18 months ago and Olivia was a different person now. She was dragged from her thoughts as the receptionist called her through. She was led into a bright airy office and her doctor smiled warmly as she arrived. She sat Noah at a children's desk in the corner and in seconds he was oblivious to his surroundings as he stared at the toy cars.

Sitting down her doctor went through the routine question, before getting on to the real matter. Olivia spoke quickly as if afraid of admitting anything. She told him of the memory loss. How she was forgetting small things that had only happened recently. She also told him of how she wasn't under any stress and how she was sleeping well. At this knowledge the doctor frowned. He asked if she had been experiencing any headaches, dizziness, or nausea and when she answered no he frowned harder.

"Miss Benson." He started "I am going to ask you to remember three items. Then I am going to ask you a series of questions before asking you to repeat back to me the three items I stated at the start. Okay?"

Olivia just nodded, she had seen this kind of test a hundred times over.

"I need you to remember these three things. Clock, pillow, and sunglasses." He reeled

Olivia nodded again. It seemed simple enough. For the next five minutes her doctor asked her some basic questions. Her date of birth, her mothers full name, her address, when she first became sergeant. All very basic questions that she answered easily. Then he asked her to repeat back to her the three items he had said at the start. Olivia frowned suddenly.

"Erm... Wow... This is more difficult than it seemed." She breathed " Right one was... One was glasses? The other was car I think, and I can't remember the last one."

The doctor smiled at her from over his glasses but it was a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes and suddenly Olivia feared the worst.

"Olivia I think we need to send you for a few tests." He sighed "just to get to the bottom of the matter."

Olivia stared at him with wide eyes and a racing heart.

"Tests?" She whispered.

XXXX

Olivia shook as she picked up Noah. She grasped him tightly in fear that he might disappear and slip through her fingers. His touch calmed her, brought her away from her thoughts and into the present. She thanked her doctor who had referred her for an MRI scan as well as a few other regulation exams. She walked away from the surgery and back out onto the streets of New York following the signs that led her home as if she was on autopilot. No longer did the colourful leaves that Noah had played in earlier seem beautiful, but tragic. They had a different meaning now. A meaning that symbolised that all good must come to an end and that eventually everything dies.

Death was the one thing Olivia feared most. As a child and throughout most of her adult life, death scared her because it eliminated the chance of life getting better, but now that she had achieved the so called 'better' she feared death as it meant leaving her son alone again. He was only a child but it seemed as though he was destined for bad luck. Deep down Olivia knew that this destiny was the cause of her real fear.

She slipped through her apartment door and set both Noah and her keys down. He giggled softly to himself as his arms reached out towards a set of building blocks that had been strewn across the carpet. Olivia smiled at him. It was a sad smile. She felt as though she had aged considerably within the last five minutes. Which seemed fitting considering her future was in jeopardy. She braced her hands tightly on the work top at that thought and her breathing shallowed. She felt herself becoming nauseous and in that second she knew that if she didn't tell anybody, somebody, she was going to break. Her hand shook as she reached for the phone and dialled. Within seconds her call was answered.

"Nick." She whispered as her voice broke. "I... I think I'm dying."

**Sorry it's been a while... This story is difficult to write to say the least. Anyway I hope you enjoyed and if you could drop a review that'd be great :)**


	3. Chapter 3 Losing Myself

**Disclaimer: I own nothing **

**Chapter 3: Losing Myself**

Nick had arrived within minutes. Her had hugged Olivia tightly and for a moment they just stood there. She didn't cry or scream but instead focused on her breathing. Eventually as they pulled away from their embrace Olivia decide it was time to come clean. She told him all she had told her doctor as well as everything her doctor had told her. When she mentioned the tests he sighed and looked her deep in the eyes. She was comforted when he told her that it was probably just stress and that these tests were just a precaution. For a moment she almost believed him.

Nick flicked on the kettle and they sat down together on the couch. It was a comfortable quiet and everything seemed so peaceful considering the circumstances. Olivia watched Noah as he played on the floor and she smiled to herself every time he giggled. Then, suddenly without looking away from Noah she asked the one question Nick had been dreading.

"What if it's cancer Nick?" She almost whispered.

When he didn't answer she looked at him. Her eyes were glassy and they pleaded for answers. Nick didn't know what to say. He wished he could tell her that it was all going to be okay, but they both knew it was a lie. So instead he just shook his head and took her hand up in his. He squeezed it gently, and although Olivia had never been more scared in her life she squeezed it gently back.

XXXX

The tests were fairly simple. She had an MRI and a blood test and they tested her reaction times as well as her memory. She hadn't really done anything but at the end of the whole ordeal she had never felt more tired. She grabbed her stuff and thanked the doctors and nurses before exiting the hospital swiftly. She didn't have to wait long before Nick pulled up with a sleeping Noah in the back.

"Thanks for picking him up." She whispered gratefully.

Nick just nodded back at her and smiled. He could sense she didn't really want to talk about it. So they drove away as the rain began to drizzle down onto the darkening New York City. It was late as they arrived back at her apartment. Nick carried the sleeping Noah into her apartment as she held the door open for them. He gave her shoulder a small squeeze before going of into the night and leaving Olivia with her thoughts.

The apartment was cool. It would soon be winter and everybody was starting to prepare for the cold months ahead. Already, Olivia had brought Noah a cute pair of snow boots with a matching coat and she was holding out the hope that they would have the chance to play together in the snow.

She turned away from where she was standing and walked towards the window. The view wasn't great but unless you had a high price flat looking over Central Park you didn't really get good views, and Olivia couldn't afford that. Her breath clouded on the glass as she looked out over the city. The night was brilliant and although there weren't any stars the glimmering lights of the city more than made up for it. Even when the city was quiet it was loud. Even now she could hear car horns and other background noise, but she had been accustomed to this from the day she was born and the sound seemed to soothe her.

As she stared out into the night her mind began to wonder. She thought of her future and what life would be like for Noah if she wasn't around. She couldn't bear the thought of him going back into care, but there was nobody she could ask to love him like their own. Nick had kids of his own, and she couldn't burden him with Amanda or Fin. Then, something occurred to her that hadn't before. What if Noah forgot her? What if he didn't cry for her or didn't miss her? She couldn't bear the thought of her beautiful baby boy growing up with just a blurry memory of her, thinking she was just some women who had held him once. These thoughts seemed to rip her from the inside out and a fresh pain settled deep within her.

Olivia tried to shake these thoughts from her mind. She had just under a week to hear about her test results and until then she couldn't wallow in self pity. She had to carry on like she always carried on, with her head held high. This, is exactly what she intended to do. For the next week or so she tried to forget her own ailments and focus on her job, and it appeared to work as the squad whizzed through one case after another...

Then the dreaded day came. Olivia just wanted to hide. Most people wanted to find out about their test results as soon as possible, but not Olivia. If she could have had it her way she would never want to know. Sadly though the call from her doctor came quickly and when the phone rang she hesitated before picking it up.

"Sergeant Benson" she answered quick and curt.

"Hello Miss Benson. It's Doctor Williams here and I was just wondering when you are next free to talk about your test results?" He asked.

Olivia sighed. This wasn't looking good.

"Can we not discuss this over the phone?" she asked hopefully.

"I'm afraid it would be better to talk face to face and as soon as possible." He replied gravely

His tone made Olivia go cold as she mumbled a reply.

"Is three o'clock this afternoon okay?" She questioned...

Later that afternoon Olivia swung her coat on. She breezed through the squad room only stopping to brief the team on something and even then it took mere seconds. She was halfway down the corridor before she realised Nick had caught up with her. When she gave him a questioning look he just shrugged and said he was there if she needed support. Olivia rolled her eyes attempting to be light hearted, but she was grateful as she knew Nick had been worried about her when she told about her appointment earlier.

Their car ride was silent and tense and Olivia felt both glad it was over but nervous when it finished. She walked into the doctors surgery with Nick following her and the receptionist led her straight through. She didn't stop Nick when he followed her and sat down next to her in front of Doctor Williams, and she gripped his hand tightly when he placed it on hers. She had never been more glad he was with her.

The doctor looked sadly at Olivia before starting.

"Olivia, I'm afraid I've got some bad news."

The sentence made Olivia tense up and Nicks hand around hers felt it. He rubbed her shoulder gently, and the doctor continued.

"It appears that you are showing the first signs of early onset Alzheimer's disease..."

Olivia didn't make a sound. She felt Nick slump slightly beside her but her heart and mind were racing too much to notice. The rest of the doctors words were lost in a rush or her thoughts. Suddenly she realised that Noah wasn't going to forget her, she was going to forget him. She was going to forget everything she ever stood for. She was going to forget the good times and the bad. Elliot, William Lewis, Noah's adoption, her mothers abuse, and she didn't want to lose any of it. Not even the bad. The bad made her who she was just as much as the good. Everything hurt, and she didn't know if anything would ever be the same again.

She was briefly aware of nodding in certain places, and of Nick guiding her up and out of the doctors surgery. As they walked onto the street Nick engulfed her and in seconds her emotions came pouring out, but she didn't cry for her future, she cried for the past she was losing, her friends, her job. Above all of this though, she cried for Noah. She cried for Noah's future.

**Hope y'all enjoyed it! Pleas drop a review :)**


	4. Chapter 4 Making Memories

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Chapter 4. Making Memories **

Olivia had arrived home and Nick had left quickly, sensing her need to be alone with Noah. It was still early and she was meant to be to returning to work, but she couldn't face it today so Nick had offered to make an excuse. She rocked Noah in her arms and whispered nonsense into his ear as he was rocked into sleep. He was a warm weight in her arms, and she was comforted by the fact that he was completely oblivious to the perils that had surrounded him for most of his life. Olivia paced around the flat, still cradling Noah in her arms. She didn't want to put him down. She was scared of letting go and never being able to grasp him again.

Her mind was swamped with questions about the future. Questions that she had no answers for. Noah was all she cared about at the moment. She wondered what would happen when she was gone or when she couldn't look after him anymore. She wondered if someone would love and care for him the way she did. She wondered if there would be someone he could run to in the night if the nightmares were too scary. She wondered about so many things, and she hoped for so much more.

A soft wriggle forced her abruptly from her thoughts. She glanced down at Noah and watched as he began to wake. He was beginning to get heavy now as he was no longer a small baby but a beautiful toddler, so she sat down with him and let him rise slowly from his slumber, so as to avoid any grouchiness later on. He yawned and Olivia smiled at him, wishing she could freeze this moment forever.

As it was still only late afternoon Olivia decided to take him to the play park for a while. She zipped up his little jacket and slid his feet into a pair of boots. As they left she chattered away to him, making him smile. The air was cool outside and everywhere you looked you could see winters inevitable approach. Olivia though it was beautiful. How the coloured leaves drifted to the floor, hiding the grey in mountains of different shades. The way her breath billowed in front of her face, reminding her that she was well and truly alive. Given her current predicament, this comforted her.

They played together for an hour or so. The swings held the most joy as Noah's giggles increased the higher he went. Olivia watched him with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. Other happy families drifted in and out of the park. A whirlwind of faces that she would never see again. Each one seeming as content and the next. Olivia was sure that she appeared to fit in with these faces. To them she was simply another mother enjoying precious time with her child, and Olivia liked that they thought that because for now, whilst she still could, that was the person she was going to be.

Eventually it started to get later and the air cooled considerably. Olivia didn't like the idea of walking home alone with Noah during twilight, so she bundled him up and they walked back to the apartment. Automatically she fed and changed him. Then, they sat together watching silly cartoons until it was time for bed. As she stood over his cot and watched him drift to sleep she was reminded that he wasn't a baby anymore and that tomorrow she was going to have to start making some decisions, as well as telling the squad about her diagnosis. God she was dreading that.

For now though she watched as Noah slept, wishing that they had forever...

_'A thousand words won't bring you back,_

_I know because I've tried,_

_Neither will a thousand tears,_

_I know because I've cried.'_

\- KILY DUNBAR

**Sorry it's short, but I felt that was all it needed. Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5 Preparations

**Sorry you have had to wait and thanks to for the idea for this chapter... Enjoy!**

**Chapter 5: Preparations **

It was late. So late in fact that it had become early. Noah had been asleep for hours and Olivia was sat on the couch in the silence. She cradled a large glass of red wine in her hand and by the pool of light that the lamp threw out she took occasional sips. Once upon a time she had drunk to forget a particularly bad day at work, she didn't need any help forgetting now. Instead she drank because she could, and because she was dying.

She was dying.

This thought shocked her a little. She had never seen Alzheimer's as something that would kill her, but as something that would wipe her memory. Now she realised that this condition was slowly eating away at her and eventually it would see her demise. Her head turned towards Noah's open bedroom door as she heard the infant sigh contentedly in his sleep. As she sat there listening to her son she made a decision, and with this decision she got up and pulled out her laptop. She opened it facing her and placed it on her lap and then set the camera to record.

'Hey guys. If you're watching this it means I'm either dead or a vegetable. I'm sorry I couldn't stick around to see the end of the performance but I guess there not gonna let me back in after the interval. Anyway, I guess that this is what you would call a 'casual will' and I'm giving it to you guys because aside from Noah you're the only true family I've got. So here we go...

... I don't care what happens to me. Let my name fade into the darkness and forget about who I am. But I will ask one thing of you. Make sure Noah is safe. He will be too young to remember me so leave it that way. Make sure he never hears my name again and I will simply become a blurred image of the lady who once used to visit. I don't want him to suffer. He can find a new mom. Someone fit enough to give him the life he deserves. Please don't let the ghost of me haunt him. I can't leave this world knowing he will cry for me on the anniversary of my death.'

At this point a single tear dripped down her cheek and her body shook, but she knew she had to go on.

'Please make sure he is happy and healthy and safe, but there is no need to burden him with two dead mothers. I want everyone, including you guys, to forget about me. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I was going to cause you pain. So bury me, let me rot, and never look back, because I'm not worth it. Keep doing your jobs. You don't need me. Be brilliant and save people's lives, and help the survive. But don't do it in my legacy, do it in your own. Make sure people talk of you as their saviour. The person who helped them when nobody else would.'

Again she paused and took in a deep raggedy breath. Overtook by emotion. Her eyes watered and her voice went slightly higher before turning into a whisper as she tried to battle the tears.

'You've all been so kind to me, and I love you for it. You became my family and supported me when it felt like I was facing a losing battle. You are the best things that ever happened to me along with Noah, and I feel proud to have known you and fought with you to keep people safe. I'm sorry you have had to cope with me and all that has happened over the last few years but I am so grateful to you all. Nick you are wonderful man, and never let anyone tell you different. Amanda, you are beautiful, and strong, and brilliant, and don't ever deny it. If anyone sees Cragen or Munch tell them from me that they are the kindest, funniest, and most difficult men to work with, but I love them all the same. Finally Fin. I see you as a brother and you've always been there for me when others have left. I love you. I love you all...Thank you.'

Her last words were barely audible as tears streamed down her face. She shut of the camera and sent the file to her work laptop, which she knew would be looked at in depth by the team once she had died and they would then surely find the video, especially if it was addressed clearly to them. Slowly she dragged her hand across her face, wiping away the tears and leaving only a quiet, lonely face to sit, staring in the dark.

**Anyway im crying so I'm gonna leave it there for now. Please review and tell me what you think my next move should be.**


	6. Chapter 6 A Side Effect Of Dying

**Disclaimer: I own nothing **

**Chapter six: A Side Effect of Dying.**

Olivia woke early the next morning. She had set two alarms and even wrote herself a little note reminding herself of what she needed to do. Her memory had not nearly become bad enough for this measure yet, but she felt paranoid that she was going to forget something. Something important.

She dragged herself from her bed and brushed the sleep from her eyes. In the other room she heard her son stir gently from his sleep and yawn peacefully. Everything appeared so normal. The way she felt. The way her home looked in the early light of the morning. The gentle scent of baby powder in the air and how the monitor by her bedside glowed slightly every time Noah made a noise. Despite all this, nothing was ever going to be normal again, and slowly she would forget mornings like this. Mornings that had become so important. Most mothers fear not meeting their grandchildren or walking their child down the isle on their wedding day. Olivia feared that she would not even remember her sons first day of school and this thought terrified her.

Regardless of this, she knew that whilst she still could she needed to carry on. Already she had made her mind up about telling the guys about her prognosis today. She had decided to only tell Amanda, Fin, and Carisi. Nick already knew and she wanted to keep it quiet from the people at the top for as long as she could. Her job was nearly as important to her as Noah was and she intended on keeping it that way for as long as she could. As she left for work she kissed Noah softly on the head. As much as she wanted to keep fighting for the victims she knew that she was going to have to cut down her hours so she could spend more time with her son, but she was actually looking forward to that.

As she pulled up to work she stared up at the building and frowned. Something wasn't quite right and her vision was a little blurry. For the past few days she had fallen ill to headaches and had put it down to stress. She did the same now. Headaches and blurred vision were not a side affect of early onset Alzheimer's and she wasn't on medication yet. So she simply put it down to a side effect of dying. Worrying.

Walking out into the squad room she took a long slurp of the coffee she had picked up on the way to work. Nick noticed her as she walked in and smiled in her direction. She smiled back, regardless of how she thought his smile had been given out of pity. Nick appeared relieved when she returned his gesture and spoke to her.

"Morning sarge. We got the guy for the assault of those teen girls on the subway. Do you wanna help interview?" He asked.

Olivia looked at him and nodded before signalling at him to give her five minutes to sort her stuff out. She walked into her office and sighed as she settled her things down on the desk. It was only 9 am and it had already been a long day. Slowly she dragged a hand through her hair before turning and entering the interview room where Nick was already set up...

xxxxx

The interrogation had been a waste of time. The guy was a real creep who seemed to think any female of any age were his for the taking, and after a few failed flirting attempts aimed at Olivia he had asked for a lawyer. She had told him what he was being charged with and he stood up as Nick cuffed him, clearly eyeing Olivia. She looked away as she always did with these 'types' in order to calm herself before looking back. When she did she grabbed his upper arm on the left and Nick did the same to his right. Together they walked him out towards the cell. Olivia's head hurt more with each step and she felt nauseous, but she somehow managed to keep her composure. At least for the moment.

Suddenly, the guy they were arresting pulled from Nicks grip. He spun around and faced Olivia. He was cuffed but he gripped her tightly by the wrists with his cold hands. For a moment Olivia froze and stared into his dark, emotionless eyes. Eventually she pulled against him to get away. Within seconds he was tore from her, but not before turning her stomach with his sick comments.

"I like someone with a bit of fight, but you could never believe the things I could make you do..." The creep sneered.

All of sudden it was as if she was no longer in the room anymore. Her body shook and she could hear sick twisted laughter. She was panicked and her chest felt tight. Nick stepped into her vision but he was blurred and she couldn't understand what he was saying. In an attempt to calm her, he placed his hands gently on her upper arms. She flinched away from him. Suddenly Nicks kind, caring face turned into a monster. A monster she had seen before. A monster that plagued her nightmares.

"Lewis." She whispered as her voice shook.

Nick stopped for a moment as if registering what was going on. Fin, who had noticed what was happening ran up and pulled him away from her. He could see the panic in her eyes.

"Please don't hurt me... Not again." She whispered as Nick's touch left her.

The whole squad room was in silence. Fin lent towards her but was careful not to touch her. She was tensed and sweating, but this wasn't PTSD and he knew it. It was as if Olivia was actually seeing the beast again.

"Olivia its Fin." He said softly. "Lewis is dead remember? Your safe and he's gone. You're okay. Just breath and feel both your feet on the ground."

At those words it was like Olivia was present again. Her head whipped round and her eyes were glossy with tears, but she was back. She had heard those words before from Fin. Not long after Sealview he had said almost the same thing as she held a gun to the back of a perps head. It had worked then and it worked now. She took a deep breath but didn't say anything in fear of her voice failing her. She looked around at the silenced room and she took in Nick's shocked face. She knew he wasn't shocked about what had just happened. He was shocked that it was happening now. It was too early. To early to have delusions...

**So what d'yall think? Is everything as it seems? Please drop me a review... They're much appreciated!**


	7. Chapter 7 How Do I Live

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Chapter 7: How Do I Live **

Immediately after Olivia had calmed down, Fin turned to the silenced squad room and glared at them to carry on. They all knew that after Olivia, Fin had the most say, and with this knowledge they also knew that if word of this got out he would serve their asses to them on a plate. So they did as they were told and tried to ignore the scenario that was unfolding before them. Nick guided Olivia into her office and beckoned to Fin, Amanda and Carisi to follow them. He shut the door and drew the blinds before turning to look at Olivia. The other three had all taken a seat or were leaning on a wall, but she just stood there.

"Do you want me to tell them?" He asked.

Immediately Fin's guard was up. "Tell us what?" He declared.

Olivia just shook her head slowly from side to side. She looked tired and worn and she hated the fact that she was about to tell them she had a disease that she couldn't fight. She turned and walked to the large airy windows that overlooked the city. One was slightly open and she lent on the window ledge taking large, long, deep breaths of the cold air. She didn't turn around to face them as she spoke. She couldn't bring herself to look them in the eye. Instead she simply stared, unblinking, over the city that lay before her. She spoke with a certain, unwavering voice, but there was a sense of sadness in her tone...

"I have early onset Alzheimer's disease."

She stopped and waited for a reaction and was surprised when she didn't get one. So instead she carried on.

"I didn't think it was that bad up until now, but clearly it's worse than I thought. I was diagnosed a couple of days ago and I wanted to wait to tell you. It's funny how life gets in the way of your plans isn't it? So this is me, telling you, that I'm dying. Hopefully I've got a little life in me yet so I'm gonna carry on at work for as long as possible, but when the guys at 1PP find out. That's it. I'll be forced to take early retirement and none of you will ever have to worry again."

For a moment, nobody spoke and Olivia didn't turn around. The quiet wasn't awkward and it fitted the mood. Everybody was processing the news and that was fine. That was okay. That was what needed to happen. Nobody cried. They were special victims unit detectives and not much made any of them cry nowadays. It was the sad reality of the job. Plus the fact that the guys were too macho for crying. Eventually though, the silence was broken by Fin. Olivia's longest, and most faithful friend.

"Whatever happens Liv we'll support you. Even if your not bossing us around." He said before the room returned to silence.

After yet another bout of prolonged quiet Fin suddenly spoke again, and what he said proved that he and Olivia were family as well as colleagues. It was something that nobody else would ever have dared to call the ferocious Olivia Benson...

"I got your back baby girl."

Olivia turned her head and looked at him. There were tears in her eyes and her hands shook slightly on the window ledge.

"Thank you." She whispered.

**Sorry it's short and a bit naff, but I felt that I needed to update. Anyway please review and tell me what you think :)**


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